Marriage Tips: How To Communicate As A Team

Michael & Claire — Sat, 23 Sep 2023 20:36:51 +0000

How To Communicate Like A Team In Your Marriage

My wife and I have found that communicating as a team catches many problems before they start.

We all know communication in a marriage is important. In fact, you’ve probably heard some training harping on how proper communication and sharing of your feelings will transform your marriage.

I’m not talking about sharing feelings, like “You did this, and it makes me feel sad.” Or having a dedicated “talking” time with your spouse. We think these are important, but communicating as a team is different.

Today, we’re delivering a message about communicating with your spouse as a teammate. Team communication looks quite a bit different than conversational communication. A good teammate is constantly communicating to the rest of the team their intentions.

Why Communicating As A Team Is Important

As a team, it’s important that our most important teammate (our spouse) knows what is going on, what you are doing, and what their role is. If your marriage has a purpose and goal, it is essential that you communicate as a team if you want to successfully reach that goal.

When I’m struggling with something, I have a tendency to want to keep it to myself and figure it out on my own. However, that’s not the way marriage is designed to work. When I do that, and start taking on projects without informing my wife, she doesn’t know why I’m doing certain things. Furthermore, she is unable to perform her assignment within that role, however small I may perceive it to be. Her role may even be just praying for me and giving me some space. But if I keep it to myself, confusion and resentment will fester.

Learning This Communication Tactic Saves Countless Arguments

When we think of our marriage as a team, it will change our communication. We will constantly ensure our teammate knows what we’re doing. Think of a quarterback in the NFL who decides to change the play at the line from a run to a pass play. It’s essential that he communicates that change to his team so they can change their assignments appropriately.

I want to share a story from our marriage to help drive the point home. When Claire and I were newly married, we went to New Mexico to visit my parents. The family business was water well service. While staying there, my dad had a well job. So I hopped up, jumped in the truck, and went to work on the well with my dad. In other words, I left my new wife there at my parents house with the rest of my family. Which wasn’t all bad in itself, except that I did not communicate to her that I was going to do that. So it came as a complete surprise to her when I left to go work for the day. Needless to say, she wasn’t too happy with me.

In this case, was she upset that I left and went to work? No, that wasn’t the problem.
What was the problem, then? It was the fact that I did not communicate to her that I would be leaving.

You see, if you’re driving down the road and a car suddenly swerves in your lane without warning, you probably get a little anxious… you might even experience a little bit of rage welling. Again, the question is, are you angry because they came into your lane, or because they didn’t turn their blinker on to inform you of their intention? It’s most likely the latter. (Unless you’re a road rager, then maybe this won’t resonate with you, but we still love you).

So What?

The point is that communicating your plans and intentions can go a long way in preventing many problems that come up in a marriage. Think about the last time you had a “excited discussion” with your spouse. Now explore that issue. Ask yourself if there had been communication leading up to that heated exchange that addressed the intentions of you both, would it have made a difference?

My wife and I communicate in vastly different ways and our brains operate differently. That means when I communicate something to my wife, the words I say may be taken in a different context than I intended. The same thing happens when I communicate what I will be doing.

Furthermore, we cannot expect our spouse to put the same importance on certain things as we do. For example, if I tell my wife that I have pool league (billiards) games every Tuesday night, that should be enough information for her, right? Wrong. If I assume she now knows my intention for every Tuesday night moving forward and should plan accordingly, I’m trying to make it her responsibility to prioritize things according to what’s important to me. However, reality sets in when I’m getting ready to play pool on Tuesday and she has forgotten all about it. Instead of expecting her to remember what’s important to me, I have learned that I need to continually communicate my plans to her along the way. This keeps her on the same page as we draw nearer to that day. I don’t assume that I told her once and that’s enough.

Now, we are all adults and we have 100’s of things on our mind at any given time. Pride may try to creep in and say “You already told her, she should care enough to remember.” But humility says, “I understand we have human limitations and her forgetting is not an indictment against how she cares about me.” A constant communication can alleviate so much confusion and controversy within a marriage. This is especially true if you have a spouse who is a planner.

Be Encouraged In The Lord

Romans 15:5-6 tells us “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” But how do we develop that “one mind and one voice?” Again, this comes down to communication. If you’re in constant communication with your spouse, you will develop a oneness together that will have to working together as a team. This is how we glorify God in our marriages.

When we keep secrets from our spouses, on the other hand, we’re not trusting them to do their assignment within the marriage. Keeping secrets in a marriage is a surefire way to hinder any growth or unity that can be experienced in that relationship. A team cannot be successful if some members of that team don’t know the playbook. If there’s no communication about changes or updates or audibles, then some important teammates will be left unaware of what’s going on. That would result in them not doing their part, and in turn, it hinders the progress of the team as a whole.

So I want to encourage you all, think of your spouse as your most important teammate, communicate your plans and actions constantly, and stop trying to keep secrets that are counterproductive to you reaching the type of marriage goals you really want.